The Undoing

Imagine the possibilities...

Imagine the possibilities…

It’s funny to me that it has been 8 months since I “left my day job” as a public school teacher, yet I still feel the passing of time in terms of the school year.  For instance, my husband and I were talking about probably not being able to make plans this year “for Spring Break”….when I realized that no longer applies to me! I  am no longer limited to that ONE WEEK IN THE SPRING when we have the freedom of a whole week of hanging out, taking a day trip, camping, whatever we want to do. But the mind holds fast to what it is used to. 15 years of teaching in public schools and all that comes with it will take awhile to undo…there is a lot of “undoing” taking place over here….

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I don’t have responsibilities or a job anymore….I do. I am working. A lot! I am building my dream business….fusing my passions and my purpose in life into my business,  doing what I was meant to do by serving humanity as a doula, a Peaceful Parenting Coach, a Spiritual Coach, an Intuitive Healer…..so many things I cannot even put a label on.

I’m here to help women transition into mothers…..to find their inner power and inner voice, to push through their fears (sometimes literally).

I’m here to help people find their own personal power, to embrace that there is a whole world under the surface that has everything to do with using your intention and intuition to create your best, most authentic self.

I’m “here” to help. Period. In my own way.

There was no room for this version of me when I was too busy “doing” the full-time-job-plus stuff.

I am still “doing” a lot. But the difference now is: I am happy. I am at peace. I have also become “undone”.

I’ve come to realize, living this way, honoring my authentic true self and my true needs is finally bringing me full circle back into a sense of true joy, true inner peace, something I had been searching for for so long and could grasp the corners of at times, but as soon as I would try and tug it closer to me it, it would then slip out of my hands.

You see for so, so, so many years I wasn’t truly, honestly happy (more often than not anyway). Especially as an adult, I truly struggled with working full time, trying to be a thoughtful, caring partner to my husband, trying to be a loving, nurturing Mom to my son, “bringing in the bacon” as a full time public educator, keeping the house clean(ish), laundry done, cooking healthy foods (well, cooking ANY foods at that point was a struggle), helping care for my elderly/ailing father, and my unique, “special needs” dog, and then trying to find time for self-care, for exercise, for anything that fed my soul. I was drained. I was done.

I felt like a total failure. A big one. Often.  And that didn’t sit well with me because I knew deep down inside I wasn’t a failure…..it just took me 43 years to figure out I was just living an ill-fitted life for me.  That MY NEEDS are different. That I am “different”, and march to a tune of a different drummer than most, and it’s okay to admit that, hell to embrace that! That many, many women (because, let’s face it, I am a woman) go out and work full time and come home and do all those things, and function, and are grateful, and somehow fit it all in, and are happy………..but that’s not me. And that’s okay! That doesn’t mean I am a failure! Or inadequate! It just means I was trying to stuff myself in a box that I didn’t fit in for too long until the seams all bust open. I think it took having my son, seeing how he “doesn’t fit in a box”, hearing myself explain that over and over to his teachers, his doctors, his caregivers, his family, to realize “oh my gosh, that’s me!” .

I had to undo A LOT to get to that realization. Peel back many, many layers, only to reveal more layers that needed peeling.

That chapter of my life is done now, and I’m extremely grateful for what I learned:

I’m grateful that I had the courage to realize living that way was no longer serving me.

I’m grateful that I have an incredibly supportive husband that not only believes in me and encourages me, but knows me well enough to say “I will never let you go back to teaching public school again”.

I am grateful that I get to serve my fellow women/sisters, to help them find their inner strength during pregnancy birth, and beyond.

I am grateful that I get to help families learn how to communicate better with one another, to help bring them closer to finding a sense of peace.

I am grateful I don’t have to wake up in the morning to a super-duper early alarm clock and feel that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach as my day begins.

I am grateful that I now have time to go to the gym, prepare healthy foods, and truly take care of my body.

I’m grateful that now I have more quality time to spend with my family, where I’m actually in a good mood, happy and positive, so I can better enjoy them.

I am grateful that I also have time to study what I want to study, to further my own personal growth in every aspect.

I am grateful that I am aware enough to be grateful.

So if you feel like you are stuck inside a similar box, you are cramped and cramping and busting at the seams and it’s bringing you down……..there is hope. It just takes the courage to take that one small step in the direction of your dreams. The universe will provide the rest.

So take that step, the step into freedom, peace, love, joy, your wildest dreams.

I’ll hold your hand while you push through, if you want 🙂

 

 

 

Follow the GPS in your Heart

Corn maze 2012

Corn maze 2012

A few weeks ago I had an amazing experience that seems to keep nagging at me, reminding me to put it down in writing and put it out there….so here I go.

I had been invited by a dear friend to go to a women’s circle gathering, and even though it was a crazy busy time for me, and it was located over an hour away from me, in Miami, and I’d have to travel through multiple  highways during morning rush hour traffic…….every fiber in my being said “GO!”. For some reason I knew I just had to go, my soul needed it.

Now, I was born and raised in Miami although I have lived “much further north” now in Broward County for about 20 years. Times have changed, roads have changed, highways have changed…..so I did what every respectable smart phone owner traveling that far would do. I used my GPS.

-HOWEVER-

The trick here is when you sort of know where you’re going…..and you think you might know be the best way to get there…..you sort of remember the area and how to maneuver……you tend to start doubting the GPS. It gets tricky.

Isn’t that always our problem? We always want to think we know best, we are in control, we have all the answers, and be we I mean our minds. We resist, tooth and nail, the surrender.  We want to surrender, we really do, but there is always that last little bit of “yes, but just this one thing, I know it will be better if I do it this way/make this turn/change one more thing”.

But when we really let go…….just completely surrender, no matter how scary it feels at first, how almost counterintuitive at times……it’s blissful. I literally just “let it go” that day and followed the GPS. Even though I thought I knew the best way. In reality, I didn’t. It took me down different highways, express lanes, roads, etc. that I NEVER would have taken had I “been in charge”. And you know the beauty of it was it was literally magical. I was whizzing peacefully next to lanes that were stuck in traffic, great song after great song magically playing on the satellite radio, red lights turning into green lights at just the right moment.  I got to my event not only on time, but early, even though I had just traveled through morning rush hour traffic in Miami. It was insane. And then I had the most amazing time sharing stories, support and love with other amazing Warrior Goddess Mamas.

You see, I learned, REALLY learned in my heart the beginnings of a very valuable lesson that day, a lesson that has kept repeating a few times since then. No matter which roads you take in life, eventually you will get there. All roads lead to “there”. Some are more direct, some more fun, some may be painful, some seem like slow going, long and winding, some  seem like a super-duper fast highway and you arrive in the blink of an eye. But you will arrive, eventually. And the more you “let go” and tune into “divine intervention/providence/source”  as your GPS, the more enjoyable the experience will be.  It all boils down to the same thing. Faith! Trust the process! Trust in yourself, in your inner guidance, that it truly knows what is best. YOU KNOW WHAT IS BEST. You have to have faith in yourself first, take that leap, then the universe will support you in ways you never even imagined possible. Better than what you could have hoped for. But that’s the scary part as well……jumping in without seeing the bottom, working without a net……or so it seems.

The net is there. We just can’t “see” it. But it’s there, not only catching us, but rather rebounding us and propelling us into even greater heights.

So do yourself a favor, the next time you have the opportunity to make a choice…..choose with your heart GPS. You will not be disappointed.

 

 

Where will YOU go?

Tiger, tiger, burning bright...

Tiger, tiger, burning bright…

Every night as part of my son’s bedtime routine, we pick 1 or 2 books to read. My son has loved books since he was a toddler (as do I) and his collection started even before his birth. So the nightly reading can range anywhere from”Everyone Poops” (no I’m not kidding and yes, he’s been potty trained for years) to Ranger Rick magazine, to “The DK Encyclopedia of the Human Body” (limited to 5 pages per night, cuz seriously? Bedtime?), to Dr. Seuss….you get the picture. He gets to choose every night.  Ironically, tonight, on the night before he “officially” starts school (VPK) he chooses “Oh, the Places You’ll Go!”.

Have you read that book? Because if you haven’t, you should. It’s not a kids book! I mean of course it is, but not really, as is the case with many of the Doctor Seuss books.  I find it ironic he chooses this book tonight on the verge of this important, significant transition (for us both), because that’s exactly what the book is about- setting out on a bold, beautiful new journey.

Tomorrow, he starts school full time. For the next 14 years the majority of his waking hours will be at school, away from home, and from us. That is the reality. I might wish it were different at times, that we could home school, or unschool, or a combination of both.  But for now, the reality is that’s where he will be. And I have to trust that it will all be okay, because that’s what I choose to think.

So out of nowhere, reading this book, so much comes up inside me. It is profound. It speaks to me right now more than to him I think. Because the other aspect of our reality is my transition, me taking my own journey and leap of faith into following my dreams full time.

The book speaks of walking straightforward into one’s truth, into the unknown.  It speaks of all the wonderful as well as the scary things we will encounter once we do that. Of the times we WILL fail, because it’s the truth, we all do. Except when we don’t, because every failure is a lesson that can teach us how to move forward in a more perfect direction for us, if we have the courage to continue on to follow our own truth.

And the secret is, all we have to do is be ourselves. Unapologetically, authentically, 100% ourselves. It’s truly that simple. Not easy, but simple. Now that is easier to do when you’re a child, especially a young child, when you’re so raw and untainted, before things get too complicated, before you forget who you are, before they tell you who you are supposed to be. Somehow along the way we all tend to get a little lost. We forget to read the signs. We forget what we are here for.

But the beauty is it’s never too late. And boy has that message been coming to me (again!) from all directions.  From songs on the radio, to memes on Facebook, to books that fall into my lap, to strangers I meet.

It’s never to late to be you. To follow through on your you-ness on all levels, as scary and intimidating as it may seem. Because when you do, the places you will go will be amazing.

So now, tell me: Who are you, really? What are you here for? And where will YOU go?

Life Lessons from a Four-Year-Old, Vol. 1

Last weekend we had a full, fun, exhausting day, which included me attending a birth starting in the wee hours of the morning, then coming home and putting on my “Super Mom” hat, picking up my son and taking him to a birthday party. It was fun, but overwhelming at times. I was beyond exhausted. On our way home, I had to stop at Publix as we were completely out of a few staples my 4-year-old son can’t do without. So as we walk in, he tells me “Mommy, go that way, you need some flowers.” Instinctually I said “No, we don’t need them” but then I got to thinking.  I had actually mentally told myself earlier I’d love to make it a habit of having fresh flowers in the house on a weekly basis, to remind me to take care of myself, do something that brings me joy on a regular basis, and appreciate the beauty around us. So when he insisted, I said “You know what? You’re right. Let’s go get some flowers”. So we rolled over there, and I started to nose around, picking up one bouquet after another, examining their beauty as well as looking at the price tag on each one to help me determine which one to buy. He says “Mommy, what are you doing?” with a voice that seemed to indicate I must be doing something completely ridiculous to him. I explained I was looking to see how much they cost to help me choose. My little sage then says, with a roll of his eyes, “Mommy, that’s not how you choose, just pick the beautifullest one, that’s what you deserve. Don’t think about it, just pick”. And it hit me, he is right. This isn’t a car payment I’m pondering, it’s a freaking bouquet of flowers, from a supermarket no less. I deserve this small token of beauty and love. Even my four-year old sees that. The $5 difference isn’t going to break the bank. I need to always remember to honor myself and the hard work I do, and be gentle and kind, and loving with myself. He knew I needed a reminder, he knew I needed some joy, and beauty, and love. So I picked the most “beautifullest” bouquet and showed it to him. He grinned a big grin, took them from me, smelled them, and then handed them back saying “These are for you, I love you Mommy. I really wanted to get you flowers”. And just like that, he taught me that lesson, on a late Sunday afternoon,  in the middle of a crowded supermarket. I matter. I deserve beauty. I deserve joy. I deserve love. Always. image

The Music in Me

Picture by Audrey the Artist

Picture by Audrey the Artist

If you know me, you know how vitally music is a part of my life. I play various instruments. I collect all kinds of music (it borders on an obsession, I won’t lie). I have playlists for every occasion, for myself and for my friends as well. There is always music playing near me, or if that’s not possible, I can guarantee a soundtrack plays in my head according to where I am, whether it’s shopping at Target,  at work watching myself teach students, at home learning from my 4 year old son.
For me, music = life.
So very recently, I started thinking of my life in music terms. And I had a kind of epiphany.  I realized that for a long time, I had been living life quietly, neatly, properly on the “1 and 3”.
Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with “1 and 3”. A lot of great things happened during my “1 and 3” period. I got married, bought a house, had a successful teaching career, had a child. It was a stage for setting the groundwork of sorts. It was….safe and quiet. Like a lullaby. But somewhere in that period I lost myself. I got too safe and too quiet. I stopped listening to my inner voice, followed too many rules, got carried away in the day to day survival mode as it is so easy to do. All of a sudden (or not really at all) I looked up one day and wondered “What the hell am I doing with my life? What’s the point?”.
Then it hit me – I am not a lullaby, I am jazz.”1 and 3″ never fit me quite right. I should have been groovin’ on the 2 and 4 all along! There is room for improvisation, for swinging it, for dancing any way I want no matter what style of music is playing, for not just coloring outside the lines, but mixing my own damn combination of colors until I get the exact perfect shade for that exact perfect moment in time……and just making that small shift internally opened my eyes to a whole new world. 
So I worked hard on myself, got ready, prayed, got teachers, found my tribe, found my spirituality, found my voice,  found myself again.
I feel like my “voice” had been silenced (although the silence was self imposed). But now, now I am ready to roar (insert Katy Perry song here). Now I can speak.  Now I can breathe.  Now I can see beauty and peace in life, in nature, in everything. 
And I can dance. On the “2 and 4”.
And it doesn’t matter who doesn’t understand or appreciate my music.
Because it is MY music.
I own it. It is MY gift to the world. I won’t apologize for it, defend it, or explain it really. It is who I am. And I am finally ready to own it completely, fearlessly.
I am not doing myself or anyone else any favors pretending I am not fully “me”.  And I recognize that “my me” is a combination of lifetimes of music from all countries, styles, and generations. So “my me” may look and feel different everyday.
But it’s still me.
And it’s still great no matter what shape or form or mental state I may be in at the time.
So I will keep playing and living and loving and improving and revising and appreciating “my me” and my music. And since I’m finally “Brave” enough (insert Sara Bareilles song here), I will share it with you.