The Undoing

Imagine the possibilities...

Imagine the possibilities…

It’s funny to me that it has been 8 months since I “left my day job” as a public school teacher, yet I still feel the passing of time in terms of the school year.  For instance, my husband and I were talking about probably not being able to make plans this year “for Spring Break”….when I realized that no longer applies to me! I  am no longer limited to that ONE WEEK IN THE SPRING when we have the freedom of a whole week of hanging out, taking a day trip, camping, whatever we want to do. But the mind holds fast to what it is used to. 15 years of teaching in public schools and all that comes with it will take awhile to undo…there is a lot of “undoing” taking place over here….

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I don’t have responsibilities or a job anymore….I do. I am working. A lot! I am building my dream business….fusing my passions and my purpose in life into my business,  doing what I was meant to do by serving humanity as a doula, a Peaceful Parenting Coach, a Spiritual Coach, an Intuitive Healer…..so many things I cannot even put a label on.

I’m here to help women transition into mothers…..to find their inner power and inner voice, to push through their fears (sometimes literally).

I’m here to help people find their own personal power, to embrace that there is a whole world under the surface that has everything to do with using your intention and intuition to create your best, most authentic self.

I’m “here” to help. Period. In my own way.

There was no room for this version of me when I was too busy “doing” the full-time-job-plus stuff.

I am still “doing” a lot. But the difference now is: I am happy. I am at peace. I have also become “undone”.

I’ve come to realize, living this way, honoring my authentic true self and my true needs is finally bringing me full circle back into a sense of true joy, true inner peace, something I had been searching for for so long and could grasp the corners of at times, but as soon as I would try and tug it closer to me it, it would then slip out of my hands.

You see for so, so, so many years I wasn’t truly, honestly happy (more often than not anyway). Especially as an adult, I truly struggled with working full time, trying to be a thoughtful, caring partner to my husband, trying to be a loving, nurturing Mom to my son, “bringing in the bacon” as a full time public educator, keeping the house clean(ish), laundry done, cooking healthy foods (well, cooking ANY foods at that point was a struggle), helping care for my elderly/ailing father, and my unique, “special needs” dog, and then trying to find time for self-care, for exercise, for anything that fed my soul. I was drained. I was done.

I felt like a total failure. A big one. Often.  And that didn’t sit well with me because I knew deep down inside I wasn’t a failure…..it just took me 43 years to figure out I was just living an ill-fitted life for me.  That MY NEEDS are different. That I am “different”, and march to a tune of a different drummer than most, and it’s okay to admit that, hell to embrace that! That many, many women (because, let’s face it, I am a woman) go out and work full time and come home and do all those things, and function, and are grateful, and somehow fit it all in, and are happy………..but that’s not me. And that’s okay! That doesn’t mean I am a failure! Or inadequate! It just means I was trying to stuff myself in a box that I didn’t fit in for too long until the seams all bust open. I think it took having my son, seeing how he “doesn’t fit in a box”, hearing myself explain that over and over to his teachers, his doctors, his caregivers, his family, to realize “oh my gosh, that’s me!” .

I had to undo A LOT to get to that realization. Peel back many, many layers, only to reveal more layers that needed peeling.

That chapter of my life is done now, and I’m extremely grateful for what I learned:

I’m grateful that I had the courage to realize living that way was no longer serving me.

I’m grateful that I have an incredibly supportive husband that not only believes in me and encourages me, but knows me well enough to say “I will never let you go back to teaching public school again”.

I am grateful that I get to serve my fellow women/sisters, to help them find their inner strength during pregnancy birth, and beyond.

I am grateful that I get to help families learn how to communicate better with one another, to help bring them closer to finding a sense of peace.

I am grateful I don’t have to wake up in the morning to a super-duper early alarm clock and feel that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach as my day begins.

I am grateful that I now have time to go to the gym, prepare healthy foods, and truly take care of my body.

I’m grateful that now I have more quality time to spend with my family, where I’m actually in a good mood, happy and positive, so I can better enjoy them.

I am grateful that I also have time to study what I want to study, to further my own personal growth in every aspect.

I am grateful that I am aware enough to be grateful.

So if you feel like you are stuck inside a similar box, you are cramped and cramping and busting at the seams and it’s bringing you down……..there is hope. It just takes the courage to take that one small step in the direction of your dreams. The universe will provide the rest.

So take that step, the step into freedom, peace, love, joy, your wildest dreams.

I’ll hold your hand while you push through, if you want 🙂

 

 

 

Where will YOU go?

Tiger, tiger, burning bright...

Tiger, tiger, burning bright…

Every night as part of my son’s bedtime routine, we pick 1 or 2 books to read. My son has loved books since he was a toddler (as do I) and his collection started even before his birth. So the nightly reading can range anywhere from”Everyone Poops” (no I’m not kidding and yes, he’s been potty trained for years) to Ranger Rick magazine, to “The DK Encyclopedia of the Human Body” (limited to 5 pages per night, cuz seriously? Bedtime?), to Dr. Seuss….you get the picture. He gets to choose every night.  Ironically, tonight, on the night before he “officially” starts school (VPK) he chooses “Oh, the Places You’ll Go!”.

Have you read that book? Because if you haven’t, you should. It’s not a kids book! I mean of course it is, but not really, as is the case with many of the Doctor Seuss books.  I find it ironic he chooses this book tonight on the verge of this important, significant transition (for us both), because that’s exactly what the book is about- setting out on a bold, beautiful new journey.

Tomorrow, he starts school full time. For the next 14 years the majority of his waking hours will be at school, away from home, and from us. That is the reality. I might wish it were different at times, that we could home school, or unschool, or a combination of both.  But for now, the reality is that’s where he will be. And I have to trust that it will all be okay, because that’s what I choose to think.

So out of nowhere, reading this book, so much comes up inside me. It is profound. It speaks to me right now more than to him I think. Because the other aspect of our reality is my transition, me taking my own journey and leap of faith into following my dreams full time.

The book speaks of walking straightforward into one’s truth, into the unknown.  It speaks of all the wonderful as well as the scary things we will encounter once we do that. Of the times we WILL fail, because it’s the truth, we all do. Except when we don’t, because every failure is a lesson that can teach us how to move forward in a more perfect direction for us, if we have the courage to continue on to follow our own truth.

And the secret is, all we have to do is be ourselves. Unapologetically, authentically, 100% ourselves. It’s truly that simple. Not easy, but simple. Now that is easier to do when you’re a child, especially a young child, when you’re so raw and untainted, before things get too complicated, before you forget who you are, before they tell you who you are supposed to be. Somehow along the way we all tend to get a little lost. We forget to read the signs. We forget what we are here for.

But the beauty is it’s never too late. And boy has that message been coming to me (again!) from all directions.  From songs on the radio, to memes on Facebook, to books that fall into my lap, to strangers I meet.

It’s never to late to be you. To follow through on your you-ness on all levels, as scary and intimidating as it may seem. Because when you do, the places you will go will be amazing.

So now, tell me: Who are you, really? What are you here for? And where will YOU go?

The “Back to School” that wasn’t

Empty class 2

This past week was tax-free saving week a.k.a. back to school shopping week here in Florida. So I did what any respectable parent and teacher would do, go shopping for back to school clothes and supplies. But what you don’t know is for teachers, it is about that same  time where we start to feel the “Oh my God, is the summer really over? Do I really have to go back so soon? What’s my schedule going to be like? How many students will I have this year? How many desks will have this year?”. This is usually accompanied by a big ol’ knot in the pit of my stomach, accompanied by a need to start drinking a nightly glass of wine…..or two…..in order to mentally prepare for another year of “being a teacher”.

Empty class 4

Empty class 3

But this year, want to know what I added to my back to school wardrobe during tax-free shopping week?

Nothing.

Nada.

Zilch.

Ni una cosa.

Because this year, I will not be going back to school. For the first time in forevvvvveeeeer…..sorry, Disney song took hold of me there. For the first time in 15 years, I will not be going back. I chose not to go back. I chose to follow my heart and my soul and my calling.  I listened (finally!) to what my soul was saying, and I prepared, and I have been working hard to create my new reality, which for me includes my new business. I have slowly but surely been building bridges, making connections, starting a client base, educating myself….all that stuff it takes to help me build my dream. Most importantly, I have been doing what brings me the most joy, which is helping people find their peace and their inner power, while still having time to spend with my family. I am helping new parents welcome their children into the world in the way they choose, feeling empowered and supported. I am working with individuals to help them discover who they really are and had forgotten along the way. I am teaching (yes, I know, I can’t escape teaching) parents that there is another way to relate to and connect with their children, one that involves mutual respect, connection, and patience.

Is it easy? Nope.

Is it scary? Sometimes.

Risky? You bet, you could see it that way at times.

But I don’t have that knot in the bottom of my stomach that I used to have every year. I don’t have the dread of “D-day” looming over me (which this year, would have been today).

And what I do have instead is worth all the gold in the world. Freedom. And hope.

Freedom

“Set It, and Forget It!”

I know that sounds very much like a line from an infomercial. In fact, I’m pretty sure it probably is. But there is also a lesson hidden there.

The lesson for this week (for me) it seems, is to set an intention, put it out there, and let it go. So often I feel like I have to try “really hard” and “work really hard” to make something happen. When I take this approach, I end up feeling like I am walking uphill both ways trying to get something done or get something to happen. I end up exhausted, super frustrated, often physically ill, and depressed. So as I am in the home stretch of my teaching career, with 3 weeks left to go, I find myself mentally over-exerting myself because I am soooooooo excited about my new business and the direction my life is taking. Yet I am still working full-time, trying to administer final exams to seniors while simultaneously keeping the rest of the class “enriched and engaged and quiet” with only 2.5 weeks left and they could care less about school at this point, still “mommying” full-time, still trying to be a wife/homemaker as best as I can, still taking care of my “special” dog and keep up with his meds and vet visits….all the while trying to lay the groundwork for my new business.

I have been “trying too hard” to find a way to book a class I need for my certification, to network with people in the birthwork industry to no avail, to work on my blog, to continue my meditation practice and classes, to eat healthy (the term “healthy” at this point in my vocabulary has basically been demoted to “anything other than Taco Bell”). I am “trying so hard” in trying to move forward into my new career that my head is spinning and I’m getting nowhere. Or getting somewhere but REALLY SLOWLY and painfully.

So finally, after it hit me from all directions (divine intervention, friends, articles that pop up in my news feed). I get it. Stop trying so hard. Set the intention and LET IT GO ( why does that damn song keep haunting me!). As my very wise friend Viknes said to me this morning “Set the intention and trust it will happen…..allow it rather than try to control it…..and listen”.

Bam. Like a giant cartoon hammer over the head.

That’s a HUGE part of finding peace right there. Set it up, then let it go and TRUST it will happen when it’s meant to. And beyond that, find moments to be still and quiet and LISTEN to the clues that are there to help you move forward. The synchronicities that appear are there to show you that you’re on the right path at the right time. You’re in the flow. The numbers you keep seeing pop up over and over, the songs with just the right lyrics on the radio, the quote on the t-shirt someone is wearing that walks right across your path…..they are all signs. And they are easy to miss if you are not paying attention, awakened, aware.

I know, I fluctuate between being in the flow…..and not. But definitely more flow than not lately. I’m making progress. After years, no, decades of work on this thing we call inner peace, I still struggle between listening to my “ego voice “and my “higher self “voice. But hey, at least I am hearing (voices) both and paying attention.

It’s not to say we won’t accomplish our goals the hard way, but who wants to struggle and fight for something when you can get it with ease and amusement? In our culture and country, we (most of us) are taught at a very young age that we must always WORK HARD, always be busy “pursuing and chasing our dreams”…….Who wants to pursue and chase? That doesn’t sound fun, it sounds hard. We are taught at a young age the “dreamers” are wasting their time…..but what if they are not? What if they are on to something?

As always, it’s all about finding balance between the two dualities.

Follow your dreams, do the work, but don’t kill yourself and your soul in the process.

Trust-the-Process1